I will pre warn that this is not the happiest of post, I am sorry.
This weeks word undoubtedly has to be..
I am feeling extremely anxious.
Yesterday I took a huge step and went to see the doctor.
For the last 3 - 4 months I have had a huge black cloud hanging over me. Thinking back, it arrived 10 months ago when we lost my grandad. But during the last few months it has really been effecting me. I finally decided at the beginning of the week that I needed to confront it and admit I have a problem. There are only so many melt downs and tears that one person can take! I knew there was something wrong as this is just not me. I am not like this. I have a happy home life, three beautiful children and an incredibly supportive husband. I have no reason to feel like this.
But I do.
As soon as I walked into the doctors room I broke down and it all came out. I have been diagnosed with depression. The doctor has said that it may be a delayed form of PND or it may be a build up of everything and it has suddenly come to a head. I cannot believe that I am saying any of this. This is not me. Or that's what I thought anyway.
Today is the start of change. I am going to tackle it and dig myself out of the hole that I am in. I have started some medication today which I am anxious about. She did warn me that the side effects can be horrible for the first 2 - 3 weeks. I have researched on line and so many people have said how awful they are so reading that has made me more anxious. It is is worrying but the doctor said that if I can stick them out they can really help. So I am trusting her and am hoping I am strong enough to stick out whatever side effects I get, if any.
I want to be proactive on my recovery. I am planning to get out more. I want to attend play groups with the twins, there is a new twins group which I was contacted about so I might start there. But first I need to get in the right frame of mind. I just know I don't like the way I am feeling at the moment.
Sorry if I am rambling on. The doctor told me to talk, but I am not a talker. But I am a writer, I can write about my feelings and emotions in a way I cannot talk. It is easier to write it down. To get it out of my head. So thank you for "listening".
As always I am sharing my word of the week with the lovely Jocelyn at The Reading Residence