Thursday, 5 September 2013

Rollercoaster of Emotions

I am quickly discovering that grief is a rollercoaster of emotions.
Yesterday, I had a good day, today I have crashed back down again.
Since Joseph has returned to school I have thrown myself back into our routine. This has really helped to distract my mind from what is going on. Yesterday I kept myself busy around the house and in the garden so I didn't have time to sit and dwell.
I went to bed last night feeling that it may be getting easier.
Then this morning I came crashing down with a bang.
The notification was in the local paper. Reading it broke my heart and the tears returned and stayed for the day. I think that reading it in print made me realise that it has actually happened.
We have lost him.
We have this huge gap in our family that will not be filled.
At the moment my emotions are going up and down at such a rate the only way to describe them is as a rollercoaster. It is a ride that I am on, I wish that I was not on it, but I am and I am stuck on it until I deal with my grief. I honestly don't think that I will begin to recover until we have said our final goodbyes. This is a day that fills me with dread. It is going to be such a hard day and I do not know how I am going to cope. I do know that I will be a mess and I will rely on my hubby to give me the strength to walk in and give him the send off that he would have wanted us to. I will struggle because I am not ready to say that final goodbye.
I am selfish.
I wanted more time, wanted to make more memories, wanted to have one more special family Christmas together and I feel cheated that we won't get that. No matter how much I want that, it is the one thing we will never have and that is something I need to learn to accept.
My grandad would not want me to feel like this, he would wag his finger at me and tell me to look at my family and live our lives to the full, be happy, smile, laugh, and create happy memories for the children.
Grandad, I promise you I will do this and I will continue to make you proud.

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